Upheaval
Photo by Gideon_Wright, Flickr
Status quo can only last so long. I was reminded of that this week as various aspects of my life simultaneously imploded, forcing me to make decisions between bad and worse and resulting in a massive upheaval of my current life, both personally and logistically.
I looked up the word “upheaval” in the dictionary. It means a sudden, violent disruption or upset. Yes, yes indeed, that definitely describes the week I’ve had. I spent much of it crumbling spontaneously into a teary mess, and none of it doing anything noticeably productive or useful, like posting to this blog, for example (note the five day hiatus since the last post).
However, there is a secondary definition of upheaval: To raise to spiritual or emotional heights.
Most people I know don’t rise to spiritual or emotional heights when engaged in the humdrumness of their status quo. Most people don’t have revelations over the same morning coffee they’ve been drinking from the same Starbucks on the same corner for three years. Most people don’t suddenly notice massive deficits in their character while brushing their teeth in the same bathroom they’ve been brushing in for the past five years. Most people don’t just suddenly remember, unprovoked, the person they truly wanted to be becoming, but forgot.
Lifequake
It seems that rising to a new emotional or spiritual height is an event that by nature is preceded by violent change – the sort of discomforting lifequake of a pattern interrupt that forces you to see with new eyes and question everything.
If you had seen me blubbering and bewailing on my couch this week, or in my bed, or at my desk (just pick a place, I was there, crying) you’d have assumed I was doing nothing much at all. But the truth is I was doing something quite essential. I was clearing house, one tear at a time. I was removing the stagnant, dust-riddled curtains from my life so that the other upheaval could occur.
And it did occur.
In the last two days I have remembered some of the core things I want for myself and my life that I had allowed to be forgotten. I had lost my way, and the massive change I am undergoing has shown me in stark relief who I have been and how that is different from who I want to be becoming. And I am so thankful for this. After many days of tumult I have regained my center and realigned my path. I have begun taking action to move myself in the direction of what I want. Still many uncertainties remain, but today I can breathe into that, and let it be. I have remembered myself. I am terrified, but I feel alive, and that is so deeply and profoundly good.
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Wow! The beginning of this upheaval must have been pretty difficult, before you came through it enough to see the positive aspects of this experience. Bravo for continuing to hang on when the ride was getting scary! We often don’t even notice in our lives when we’ve gotten off track. There is so much in a day that we’re trying to keep together that sometimes a rut develops without our realizing it! Just the 3 aspects of your life that I am aware of, your daughter, your MS, and launching The Self Healing Coach, are HUGE–and there is so much more to who you are as a person!! Each one of us needs to re-evaluate our lives from time to time and sort of shake things up. But it’s not always easy to see the blind spots that have developed… In my life I’ve seen that the most worthwhile things are generally the hardest. But sticking with that journey is crucial in order to make the change real in your life.
Thank you for reminding us all about unexpected challenges and not giving up. A good cry–even a lot of them–I think is nature’s way of helping us periodically relieve the pressure so we can continue to grow. It’s funny how you’ve got me thinking that even dealing with our MS eventually becomes a routine in our lives…and the start of this journey was none too pleasant to say the least! Life is certainly interesting…and that’s putting it mildly! Welcome back!
thanks as always for your thoughtful comments!
Mmm… that’s good.
just wanted you to know i’m out here reading your gorgeous posts and fel grateful for your honesty and sisterhood on this post-graduate course we’re both taking.
thank you cathy! YOU are an inspiration. for any of you reading this, cathy’s blog is incredible. http://www.cathyaten.com. go check it out.
you’re a powerful person. i’ve seen it grow over the years… more so with each challenge–i’m honored to witness it in (all) the vast ways you continue to face (and embrace) your challenges. the way you adapt and recreate yourself.. you’re quiet strength is nothing short of admirable. unfortunately, we seemingly need to be pressure tested (in order) to demonstrate what we’re TRULY capable of. i just wanted you to know it has never gone unnoticed. i do believe we each have our own purpose within the world, and we find it through no choice.
“Softer than the flower where kindness is concerned.. Stronger than the thunder where principles are at stake.”
—Vedic definition of the enlightened