I Am Responsible
Photo by alicepopkorn, Flickr
It’s occurred to me, in the time and space since my post yesterday, that it may appear as if I believe I am a victim of the relationship I was involved in, and that I blame this relationship for perpetuating my illness.
I do not. I am responsible for everything that occurs in my life, including my current heartache and my current health. If I’m going to get real with myself, if I’m going to be really, unflinchingly honest, then I need to admit that I knew everything I needed to know before I ever kissed this man. All the evidence was there, and I felt it. But I thought I could change it. I thought my love would make it different.
I am responsible for the past four years. I am responsible for choosing every day to override my suffering. I am responsible for not addressing the root cause. I am responsible for being ineffective in creating the circumstances I needed within that relationship to be okay. And I am responsible for remaining in that relationship despite all these things.
I am responsible for my MS. The fact that the disease process known as Multiple Sclerosis has developed in my body is not the result of lousy luck. I am not a victim of MS, nor am I a victim of a chaotic universe. I am responsible for the circumstances I have found myself in.
This is not the same as being to blame. What happens if I blame myself? Blame is just more self-attack. And self-attack – the body attacking itself – is the literal mechanism that is Multiple Sclerosis. Blaming myself equals MS. It’s more of the same. Blame is just drama.
Werner Erhard said it best: “Responsibility is not burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt. In responsibility, there is no evaluation of good or bad, right or wrong. There is simply what’s so, and your stand. Being responsible starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from the view of life that you are the generator of what you do, what you have and what you are. That is not the truth. It is a place to stand. No one can make you responsible, nor can you impose responsibility on another. It is a grace you give yourself – an empowering context that leaves you with a say in the matter of life.”
Where do you stand when it comes to your MS? Are you a victim? Or are your feet rooted in the firmament of the grace and power that comes from declaring “I am responsible?”
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Hi,
Both posts inspired even more freedom and surrender to what is and is unfolding. The previous posting led me to places inside of myself where I was slightly contracted, slightly holding back….not fully surrendering.
I appreciate and benefit from the clarity of your writing that comes from the clarity and truth of your living and being. I am greatful from these expressions and the craft of expressing and sharing with the world from a place of transparency. I look forward to more writing, expression and living that in-forms and enages me to live more fully, more responsably, more able-ly and more all out.
I appreciate the living that you are doing and the pull on my own life to live, surrender, be and exist more fully and absolutely without holding back.
Best n Beyond,
T
tivo – i always appreciate your comments, but at this moment, you taking the time to give me this feedback is especially appreciated. much love to you.
karen